Fernweh

It's been a long day. My feet ache. I'm sitting near the back of a train headed towards downtown. I've moved my bags to surround me, leaving the seat next to me empty. Though I know that no one will be needing it, I leave it empty out of courtesy. I'm feeling a little crowded with my bags but I'm tired enough that it doesn't matter. In front of me in the open area of the train car is an African woman with a young child and a fat baby. They cause her trouble while she yells into a flip phone. A sappy love ballad plays in my headphones. The train moves along steadily, occasionally jostling on rough patches. We enter a tunnel. It's completely black inside, the only illumination coming from inside the train car itself. The train stops at the airport terminal. And that's when I get the feeling -- the feeling of wanting to get off right there, of wanting to find the first plane ticket to a wonderful place and leave, leave for a few weeks, maybe forever, just keep going from place to place, leaving everything behind, longing to get out of here, to get away from everything that's keeping me tied here, if only I had the means.

Many people would call this feeling Wanderlust. A German word, formed from the words wandern - to wander, to roam; and Lust - desire. The desire to wander. But it is something so much more. The Germans have another word that describes this feeling better than Wanderlust: Fernweh. Formed from the words fern - far, distant; and weh - in this context, pain or ache. An aching for what is far away. A longing that I have felt from the beginning of my adolescent life, growing stronger as I advanced into adulthood. My body is here but my soul is always elsewhere, wishing to be free of the anchors holding me in one place.

The airport has two terminals. I still have a chance to get off. People get on and off the train freely. But I stay planted in my seat. I have work tomorrow. And I don't have my passport with me. The train car has filled up a bit. A heart-wrenching Swedish ballad plays in my headphones. We continue on our way downtown.

It's more than just wanting to go somewhere far away. It's about wanting to escape. Escape the problems of today and be carefree tomorrow. Escape all responsibilities and escape the emptiness in your life and fill it with the substance of excitement and adventure. I want to escape. I need to escape.

I'm close to the end of my ride. The African mother leaves with her children. Commuters get on after a long day of work. I feel a sense of resignation as I know that I'll have to get up soon. I have to pick up my things to leave. Carrying all these things is a burden when you have a long way to go yet. It's time to go home. My feet ache.

Wandering albatross

Always on my mind
Always just out of my reach
I grasp onto nothing
Hands empty
Follow nothing
Heart empty
Empty promises escape me
I want you here
But you have the world in front of you
And I can't keep up
So go
And I'll stay
Waiting for a day that will never come
Because you won't ever come back
You were never mine to keep

Autumn to Ashes

The year has not been so kind to me.
Autumn was prosperous.
While nature was dying, I was blooming,
Erupting out of the ground
in a halo of green.
In the dead of winter, I felt most alive.
Winter was surprisingly sweet, but she
brought a fatal gift
with her departure.
As spring came, I began to wither.
The world awakened as I
buried myself deep into hibernation.
By summer I was dead.
Limp and lifeless, nothing more than
a carcass of an organic being.
Then the leaves dried up again,
And this time I joined them as they sank into
and became one with the earth.

Descent into Darkness

Riding that high was fun while it lasted
but the crash that came afterward
destroyed me
devastated me
devolved everything I had worked for:
   sense of self-worth
   confidence of character
   and of course, my dignity
Everything was ruined

I told myself, no regrets. Whatever happens will be for a reason
But what was the reason of my demise?

I'm loitering in the past where I've got no business being
thinking of every way I could've avoided this doom
I'm back to where I started
and I don't know if I can come back stronger this time
I feel hopeless
lost
dead

Reflecting pool

Like bleach
Cleaning away the dirt
but leaving nothing
because it's too strong
I cleanse my mind

I've moved on from toxicity before
But you're not toxic
You're just what I needed
Yet somehow you poisoned me anyway

I drown the memories
that keep floating to the surface
of my conscious mind
Drown them until their lungs fill
And they choke until they fade

Meanwhile I try to stay alive
To keep my head above the surface
But I too, am drowning

Losses

We were victims of bad timing
and worse circumstance.

It started with a high;

then came the crash and burn.

Chaos in my mind,

indifference in your heart,

a mistake avoided

before it blew up

and killed us both.

Side effects

I tell myself that it's just the caffeine
making my heart race
this late at night.
But something else is on my mind.
Something else is affecting my heart.
Affecting my brain,
chemicals running everywhere.
Chemicals I can't explain.
Moving around my body,
keeping me awake
and telling me how to feel.
Giving me irrational thoughts
and encouraging bad ideas.
The coffee wouldn't do this, right?
I can't sleep so I lie hopelessly awake,
watching the clock slowly move
towards the new day,
knowing full well that I have to be up
in a few short hours.
The only sounds are the beats of my heart
and the click of the keys.
Maybe drinking coffee
after eight in the evening
wasn't such a great idea.